Living With A & A :: Ashamed + Amazed
The picture above was taken 7 years ago. although the pose is absolutely ridiculous, it was during a time when I was most confident with myself. Weighing in at around 115 to 120 pounds, I was 20 years old with not a care in the world except some looming 20 page college term paper. Life was different back then.
Now looking at my body as it gears up to deliver a third baby, I am both amazed & ashamed.
Amazed -- that for the third time, I have been blessed to have carried a child to full term. Amazed that even though my first pregnancy ended in a heart wrenching miscarriage, God’s grace allowed me to pull through the pain, hurt & worries and I have gotten to experience the fullness of all the pings, pangs and joys of motherhood.
But then, as I continue to stare at my body, shame creeps in. I used to be skinny, I think to myself. I used to fit in a size 4. I used to not worry about weight and look where I’ve ended up. Here I am, heavier than I’ve ever could imagine.
Yes, I’m 35 weeks pregnant & Yes, I’ve had three kids rather quickly with barely time to lose the baby weight, but that isn’t an excuse — you’ve let yourself go, Marta. Boy, does self-doubt get louder & louder the moment after you let it slowly creep in.
It’s days like these where I look at photos. I look at myself, I look at my boys & then I look around. I hear the commentary of others, those “oh, you used to be so tiny” remarks from people I respect and I can see the judgment of those “nice” strangers who won't say anything — to my face.
It’s hard, but I know that I am being taught something in this season. I took being skinny for granted and comparison is proving to be the thief of joy. I am fully aware of this. But, it's so easy to let that thief in.... I'm not writing this for pity, I am writing this because I sometimes struggle with body image and maybe there is someone out there that will read this and feel like they aren't alone.
So, if you're a fellow mom wrangling thoughts of insecurity and struggling to look at yourself when you pass a mirror -- mama, I see you. I'm here to give you a virtual smile, nod and a bit of encouragement. You're not alone and I truly believe that one day... it. will. get. better.
I know that I can and will get back to a size that will make me feel happy again. It may not be 120 pounds, but I've come to terms with that. I have two beautiful boys, I am about to welcome another wee little one to the world and couldn't be prouder of that.
I am living with A & A and that's totally okay.
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